Guilt, Shame, and the Road to Forgiveness

A blog by Joyce Cordus

Perhaps you’re familiar with that feeling of lying awake at night with a nagging conscience, thinking, “If only I had done things differently”. Sometimes, we feel guilty about something. Sometimes we feel ashamed of it. However, guilt and shame are not the same, and this distinction is important for understanding how we handle forgiveness.

When you feel guilty, you’re essentially saying, “I did something wrong.” This feeling can be painful, but it also serves a purpose. Guilt focuses on our behavior and actions—that which we have done or failed to do. It can motivate us to take responsibility. For example, if I have hurt someone, guilt can lead me to acknowledge my mistake and apologize. Thus, guilt opens the door to recovery and asking for forgiveness.

When you are ashamed of something, it goes deeper. You say (or think): “I am wrong.” It is the feeling that you are not good enough or worthy of love. Shame often pushes us away from others. We distance ourselves just when we need closeness the most. However, if we allow ourselves to feel shame, we can create space for authenticity and connection. When we face our shame and say, “This is me—vulnerable and imperfect,” we create space to connect with others. Then, shame can become a pathway to connection and receiving forgiveness.

The most difficult form of forgiveness is often forgiving ourselves. We feel guilty about our behavior and ashamed of who we are. Self-forgiveness therefore requires two steps. First, we must transition from guilt to responsibility by acknowledging what we did wrong. The second step is moving from shame to connection — not reducing ourselves to that mistake, but practicing self-compassion and mildness. This process is not easy, but it leads to inner freedom.

Victims of injustice may become consumed by false guilt (“It must be my fault”) or imposed shame (“I am worthless because this happened to me”). Consider a woman who is harassed on the street and then tells herself, “I shouldn’t have worn a short skirt.” Although the perpetrator is entirely responsible, she still feels guilty. In such cases, forgiveness can be an opportunity to regain one’s freedom by realizing that “what was done to me does not define me.” Forgiving others also means reclaiming your dignity.

Thus, we see that guilt and shame are not only roadblocks but also pathways to forgiveness. Guilt can help us take responsibility and facilitate recovery. If acknowledged, shame can lead to openness and closeness. In self-forgiveness, both movements come together.

Forgiveness requires courage—the courage to face guilt and acknowledge shame without rejecting ourselves. Perhaps you recognize this yourself. Think back to a time when you felt guilty or ashamed. How did that affect your ability to ask for, receive, or forgive?

Joyce Cordus, September 4, 2025