From self-hatred to self-compassion

A blog by Frits Koster

During my last silent retreat, after a few days, an old memory suddenly came to mind: I remembered a situation in which I had not behaved particularly elegantly or wisely.

The memory stuck with me and resurfaced regularly over the next few days, accompanied by various ‘unpleasant’ emotions. This continued until I suddenly asked myself, ‘What is actually happening here?’ Spontaneously, a word came to mind that I had hardly ever used in my life, probably because it evoked aversion and had always been taboo. It was the word ‘self-hatred’. I realised, ‘This is a situation in which self-hatred plays a role and proliferates.’ This realisation and mindful acknowledgement caused this painful issue to dissipate, so to speak, and gave way to a deep, connected calm.

Paul Gilbert, clinical psychologist and developer of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), distinguishes between the ‘inadequate self’ (disappointment) and the ‘hated self’. The latter is characterised by active hostility and the desire to punish oneself.

In retrospect, I realised how often I had hindered and sabotaged myself in my life – visibly and invisibly, obviously and subtly. I also realised that this is not just something that happened to me, but that it is a general human tendency or pattern that can cause a great deal of suffering.

Mindful recognition can be seen as a healing and expansive response or as a homeopathic antidote. Furthermore, cultivating compassion can be very important for our relationships with others. ‘Love, compassion and tolerance are not luxury goods, but basic necessities. Without them, humanity cannot survive,’ the Dalai Lama once said.

In the Mindfulness-Based Training in Forgiveness (MBTF) programme developed by Joyce Cordus and myself, we offer ways to achieve compassionate inner healing in your relationships with yourself and others. We do this in a non-religious way. The MBTF has been scientifically screened and developed as an advanced training course for those who are already familiar with the practice of mindfulness. This will enable you to gradually let go of self-hatred, which will benefit not only yourself, but also others. A warm welcome.

Frits Koster, April 9, 2026

Research on self-hatred and self-compassion:

• Krieger, T., Reber, F., Von Glutz, B., Urech, A., Moser, C.T., Schulz, A., & Berger, T. (2019).
  An Internet-Based Compassion-Focused Intervention for Increased Self-Criticism: A Randomized Controlled Trial. Behavior Therapy 50, 430–445.
• Ondrejková, N., Halamová, J. & Strnádelová, B. (2020).
  Effect of the intervention mindfulness based compassionate living on the level of self-criticism and self-compassion. Current Psychology (2020).